Parenting Neurodivergent Kids
Having neurodivergent children can be challenging. Hurdles can seem to come out of nowhere and throw the entire family for a loop. For many parents, their child’s diagnosis can be a relief. It can be difficult as a parent to figure out which challenges are developmentally age appropriate, which might be part of your child’s unique personality, and which might be a behavior that will become more complicated rather than resolve with time. A diagnosis can be a key to understanding why your child may be struggling with situations where others do not and provide guidance on how to proceed.
Commonly seen challenges:
Some children may face difficulties with behavior in a school setting. Outside of the familiar home environment, school can be stressful. This can be compounded by challenges reading social cues, leaving your child anxious about interacting with peers and teachers. Your child may lack the insight or ability to describe their experience, leaving you to wonder why your child dislikes school so intensely. Conversely, your child might be able to describe why they dislike school, but you might feel unsure what to do with that information.
Challenges with impulse control may show up as restlessness in a classroom setting, leading to disruptions and disciplinary action. Some children find an acceptable vent for their behavior by playing the role of the class clown. For others, an inability to inhibit emotion might look like disproportionate outbursts when they are frustrated, landing them in trouble at school, and derailing the rest of their class.
Neurodiversity might mean that your child’s system is easily overwhelmed by stimuli, and might show up at school, dealing with homework, or simply staying organized. As a parent, you might be at your wits end trying to figure out what to get your child to eat outside of the ever-narrowing list of foods they find acceptable or even in finding clothing comfortable enough to avoid a meltdown.
Conventional behavioral interventions such as consequences or punishments, may not yield the desired results and could potentially exacerbate behaviors. This is particularly evident when your child does not have the ability to describe the source of their stress. As a parent, it can be very hard to be effective when you aren’t sure why your child is in distress.
Managing and Coping with Challenges
Slowing down your own reactions and taking time to get to know your what your child is experiencing is invaluable. Parents face many demands on their time and energy from managing work, household responsibilities, and family obligations in addition to their child’s school, activities and friendships. These demands can make it difficult to foster a deep and effective connection with a child who is struggling. Being neurodiverse can mean having intense experiences and challenges communicating these experiences. Being able to understand your child’s experience is an important step in helping them figure out possible solutions.
Addressing the expectations you were raised with, that you might inadvertently pass on through your parenting can also be helpful. For example, were you expected to not rock the boat as a child? If your own kid has been derailing their classroom with meltdowns, it can be hard to understand what might be going on when your first reaction is an overwhelming sense of shame. If you feel alone in these experiences, finding a support group can help normalize what you are experiencing. Cultivating a mindset of kindness towards yourself and your child may help alleviate some of the feelings of helplessness that may come up.
Figuring out your child’s strengths and interests, and celebrating those attributes, can be helpful for both of you. Your child might have a sharp sense of humor or keen observation skills or even a deep sense of justice. Acknowledging those attributes can help your child feel seen. Does your child enjoy retro video games? Or marine biology? Perhaps they know more about Star Wars than anyone else you know. Look for ways you can enjoy their passions alongside them—this could be planning a family trip to an arcade, or an aquarium, or watching the Star Wars movies together. Sharing the things that bring your child joy can help create positive feelings for everyone and built resilience when facing the other challenges your child may experience.
In addition to finding a support group as a parent, connecting with other community members can be helpful. Connecting with a therapist, either as a family, or as individuals, can help you figure out ways to support your child and validate their experiences. Partnering with teachers to help your child have the best possible experience is important, as well as learning how to advocate for your child within the school system.
Conclusion
Parenting neurodiverse kids can be challenging and rewarding at the same time. Here at Sunburst Psychology, our therapists are well-versed with neurodiversity and how it can show up in family relations. Our trusted therapists provide neurodiverse-affirming services to individuals and couples/parents to address concerns, find ways through challenges, and celebrate strengths and resilience.
